


Sonic x Nicolas Cage: A Fanfic for the Ages

by crimesagainsthumanity



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, M/M, declaration of independence, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 17:16:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2819990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimesagainsthumanity/pseuds/crimesagainsthumanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sonic loves Cage, but will Cage ever feel the same way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sonic x Nicolas Cage: A Fanfic for the Ages

“I’m a one-man genocide.” Cage and Sonic were just playing Super Smash Bros Brawl like every other couple. “The numbers are the key to everything.” Cage tended to be very cryptic with his language. He only spoke ‘Cage Quotes.’ But that was one of the reasons why Sonic loved him.  
“Yes, Nicolas, the numbers are key. But, so is the key.” Sonic replied, kicking Cage’s ass in Brawl (Sonic was Sonic while Cage was Yoshi, an unfortunate choice). Moments later, Sonic whacked Yoshi into space.  
“I was a kid.” Cage said.  
“You’re still dead, Nicolas.” However, Sonic’s feelings for Cage were not mutual. Cage himself had been blinded by his own pride to even see Sonic’s feelings. For years, Sonic had been trying to earn Nicolas’ affections but was not successful.  
“Rockin’ good news.” Cage started a new game. This time as the pitiful Luigi. Sonic was still symbolic.  
It’s symbolic, Sonic thought, because Cage does not have his own identity yet. So he chooses someone else.  
It was actually because Cage believed Yoshi and Luigi looked most like Nicolas Cage.  
In the second game, Cage upped the ante. Luigi smacked Sonic and did his little creepy dance. “I love pressure. I eat it for breakfast.” But just as Luigi appeared to be winning, Sonic received a Super Smash ball. “Not the bees! Not the bees!” Cage screamed. And once again, Sonic beat Cage.  
After seeing Cage’s dismay, Sonic suggested other things besides dominating him in Brawl. “We can sprint, we can go for a speedy run, we can go for a fast jog, we can go for a hasty walk—“  
“I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.” Cage declared.  
“Nicolas, no!” But it was too late. Cage knew what he had to do and he was ready. It was actually one of the reasons why Sonic admired him so much, his determination. Unfortunately, it caused quite some trouble for Cage. Nonetheless, his endeavors proved as quite helpful anecdotes for dinner parties.  
Cage grabbed his brown and purple chevron pattern briefcase and filled it with all of the Cage necessities: his replicate Oscar that he had purchased on the black market after losing his in the Tokyo airport (yet another anecdote), a pad of paper (but no pencil or pen), and a frozen hot dog. “Nicolas, you can’t just steal the Declaration! What will you even use it for?”  
“Why’d you put the bunny back in the box?” Cage shouted. “We’re more like treasure protectors.”  
Reluctantly, Sonic rushed out the door directly behind Cage. On one hand, Sonic would prefer to not even be involved in Cage’s shenanigans. But on the other hand, he wouldn’t know what to do if something happened to Nicolas. For Sonic, Sonic the hedgehog, didn’t know life without Nicolas Cage.  
As they neared the National Archives, Sonic inquired “But, Nicolas? Where will we park? D.C. traffic is horrible.”  
Upon realizing the dilemma, Cage pulled up next to the Washington Monument. It is important that the distinction is clear: not near the Monument, but a few feet away on the National Mall. “We will never forget.” Cage remarked as the two began making their way to the National Archives.  
Cage walked directly into the museum without even blinking. Sonic followed behind him. Without missing a beat, Cage directly to where the Declaration was kept on display.  
“Now what?” Sonic whispered.  
“Now could you please stop shouting?!” Cage yelled. Briefly, Cage became calm and composed. He breathed in and out 3.5 times. Then, without warning, Nicolas threw his briefcase on the glass that protected the Declaration.  
“Nicolas, no!” Sonic yelled.  
But it was too late. Cage continued to bang the briefcase on the bulletproof glass, hoping it would break. “It’s invisible!” Cage clamored.  
“Nicolas, stop!” Sonic begged once again. But it was too late. The security had already detained Cage and dragged him outside of the National Archives.  
“Killing me won’t bring back your god damn honey!” Cage cried as they put him in the police vehicle.  
“Nicolas!” Sonic yelled. “Officer, let me join you. He needs me.”  
“Sorry, Mr. Hedgehog, you’re not the one under arrest. I can’t let you come.” Then the police vehicle drove away.  
Frustrated, Sonic did the only thing he knew how to do: he ran. He chased the police car all the way downtown. While running alongside, he tried to capture Cage’s attention. But Cage being Cage, he only paid attention to himself. Cage sat solemnly and contemplated his life and what had brought him to where he was now. He actually did this quite frequently. Sonic had observed Cage in his moments of solitude. These moments usually ended with Cage shouting “How’d it get burned?!”  
The police pulled up to the station and towed Cage to a holding cell. An officer stopped Sonic before he could join Nicolas in the cell.  
“Sorry, sir, you haven’t committed a crime.”  
Tired of hearing that he was not a convict, Sonic knew it was the last straw. “Oh?! I haven’t committed a crime?!” Sonic yelled. And in that moment Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog, knew exactly what he needed to do. Sonic punched a nearby police officer. “SONIC BOOM! Assault on an officer!”  
“Okay, sir, I am going to need you to come with me.” And just as Cage had done before him, Sonic was dragged into a holding cell. Conveniently, the same one as Cage. Cage was sitting on the ground staring at the wall. Breathless, and for the second time that day, Sonic knew what he needed to do.  
“Nicolas,” Sonic began, “there is something I have to tell you. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was busying slaying you at Brawl. And this is not something I knew from the moment I met you. In fact, it kind of had to grow on me because at first I kind of hated you and—But that’s not important. You are reckless and egotistical and at the same time incredibly unrealistic. But you are also optimistic, confident, and you persevere like no one I know. And for those reasons, Nicolas, I love you. And I don’t think you’ll ever feel the same way and that’s fine. But I will follow you from New Delhi to New York, from Toad’s Factory to Rainbow Road. And despite how many crazy antics you manage to find yourself in, I will always be right beside you.”  
There was a moment of silence between the two. And then, Cage stood up and walked over to Sonic. Then, as Cage always does, he did the unexpected. Cage kissed Sonic.  
“But, Nicolas,” Sonic was shocked. “Why would you do that?”  
“You gotta go fast, Sonic.”


End file.
